How Can You Discern Whether to Break Up or Stay in a Relationship?
- Alex Yeboah Sasu
- Apr 16
- 8 min read
As of today, I have been married to Gloria for 1587 days. But Gloria wasn’t my first girlfriend - she was my third. My first relationship lasted just 2 weeks. We got back together a couple more times, but eventually ended things for good. My second relationship lasted 8 months, 18 days, and 2 hours (yes, you read right lol). Interestingly, both of these relationships happened when I was 17. After those experiences, I made a personal decision to “kiss dating goodbye” until I was truly ready to pursue a serious, marriage-driven relationship. That decision helped me more than I realized at the time. It took another 8 years, 4 months, and 18 days before I started dating my now wife. We dated for 1239 days (about 3 years and 5 months), and then we got married.
So in many ways, I have experienced both sides - what it feels like to break up, and what it means to stay committed over time. And as a life coach, one of the most common questions I get is this: “Should I stay… or should I break up?”
It’s not an easy place to be. Emotions are involved. There are memories, expectations, and sometimes even plans for the future. Walking away can feel like a loss. Staying can feel like confusion. And in that tension, many people don’t lack feelings - they lack clarity. And that’s exactly what I hope this article will give you: clarity.
To make this practical and easy to remember, I developed a simple framework for discernment using the acronym BREAK UP. We’ll start with “BREAK” and then return to “UP” later.
B - Biblical Non-Negotiables
Before anything else - before chemistry, compatibility, or comfort - Scripture gives us foundational standards that should not be compromised. I have summarized them as follows:
Purpose - What is the purpose of the relationship? If marriage is not the goal - either clearly stated or reflected in how the relationship is progressing - then it is wise to reconsider it. Genesis 2:24 shows that romantic union is designed to move toward marriage, and 1 Corinthians 7:1–2 reminds us that romantic desire finds its rightful place within that covenant. I often say that thinking about dating without thinking about marriage is like thinking about drinking water without thinking about swallowing it - it doesn’t quite make sense. Ending a relationship may be painful, but it is better to end something that is not moving toward marriage than to carry it forward aimlessly.
Timing - When do you want to get married? Even when both people agree on marriage, timing matters. Amos 3:3 asks, “Can two walk together unless they are agreed?” If one person is ready and the other is not - or keeps delaying without clarity - that mismatch can create frustration and prolonged uncertainty. When the gap in timing is significant, it is worth seriously reconsidering the relationship.
Identity - Who are you actually in a relationship with? Scripture warns us about certain patterns of character (Proverbs 21:9, 19; 25:24; 27:15–16), and beyond attraction, there are key identity markers to pay attention to.
First, there is the opposite sex connection. The relationship must align with God’s design for marriage, which is between a man and a woman (Genesis 2:18).
Second, there is the faith connection. The person should profess to follow Christ and ideally be rooted in a local church (1 Cor 7:39).
Third, there is the disciple connection. Being in church is important, but it is not enough on its own. Galatians 5:22–23 describes the fruit of the Spirit. Are these qualities evident in their life - or at least is there clear growth in that direction? Do their daily choices reflect a genuine commitment to Christ?
If these areas are missing, the concern is not minor - it is foundational.
R - Relational Dynamics
Even when the foundation is solid, the day-to-day health of the relationship still matters. How you relate with each other will either strengthen the relationship or slowly weaken it over time. There are a few key areas worth paying close attention to.
Communication. Communication is the lifeblood of every relationship, and it often reveals what truly matters to a person. A helpful way to assess it is through the lens of “FREDCOMOT” - frequency, duration, content, mode, and time.
Start with frequency: how often do you communicate? Is there consistency, or is communication irregular and unpredictable? The truth is, we tend to make time for what matters most to us.
Then consider duration: how long do your conversations typically last? Do they seem to genuinely enjoy talking with you, or do conversations feel rushed and transactional? Contrary to what movies often portray, marriage is largely built on conversation. If it is difficult to sustain meaningful conversations while dating, that is something to pay attention to.
Content is also important: what do you talk about? Are your conversations meaningful and open, or mostly surface-level? Are they willing to share their thoughts, goals, and emotions, or do they remain guarded? While it is wise to avoid conversations that stir up sexual temptation, there should still be a sense in which you can talk about “everything and nothing.”
Mode asks the question: how do you communicate? Face-to-face interaction is the most personal, followed by video calls, then voice calls, voice notes, texts, and finally emojis. Do they make an effort to connect in ways that feel personal, or do they settle for the least engaging forms of communication? This becomes especially important in long-distance relationships.
Finally, consider time: when do they communicate with you? Are you only spoken to at their convenience, or is there a genuine effort to prioritize you? While healthy boundaries are important, there should also be a level of flexibility that allows emotional connection to grow.
When you step back and observe these patterns, communication often reveals deeper truths about commitment and intentionality.
Conflict Resolution. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. What matters is how it is handled. Do they listen well? Are they willing to take responsibility when they are wrong? Is there growth after disagreements? Or do they become defensive, dismissive, or controlling? A relationship that cannot navigate conflict in a healthy way will struggle to sustain a healthy marriage.
Coitus. What is their view on sex? Are they aligned with God’s design that sex is reserved for marriage? Are they willing to establish and respect boundaries? Or do they consistently push limits and justify compromise? The Bible is clear about God’s design for sexual purity. If there is a consistent misalignment - especially in actions - it is important to have honest conversations about it. This area often reveals deeper issues of self-control, conviction, and respect.
E - Ease
Every relationship requires effort, but there is a difference between healthy effort and constant emotional strain. Take a step back and honestly assess what you typically feel in the relationship. Is there a prevailing sense of peace, stability, and clarity? Or are you often dealing with anxiety, confusion, and uncertainty? No relationship is perfect, and challenges are normal. But when a relationship consistently produces distress rather than peace, it is not something to overlook. Patterns of emotional strain are worth paying close attention to.
A - Allies
Discernment is not something you are meant to do alone. Inviting the right voices into your process can provide clarity and perspective you may not have on your own.
Authorities. What do the people who genuinely care about you think about the person and the relationship? Parents, mentors, pastors, and trusted friends can often see things more objectively. Their insights may confirm what you sense or reveal what you have been overlooking. Seeking counsel is not a sign of weakness - it is a mark of wisdom.
Addictions. Are there ongoing addictions or unhealthy patterns? If so, how are they being handled? Is there honesty, accountability, and a genuine pursuit of growth? Struggle in itself is not the issue - secrecy, denial, and lack of progress are.
Abuse: Any form of abuse - emotional, physical, verbal, sexual or psychological - is not something to tolerate or “manage” in a dating relationship. It is a serious red flag that requires decisive action. This is not an area for compromise.
K - Knavery
This final category focuses on integrity. At its core, the question is simple: Can this person be trusted? A helpful way to think about this is through the lens of SHOT.
Are they Single - not necessarily in status, but in consistency of character? Or do they present significantly different versions of themselves depending on the environment and the people they are with?
Are they Honest? When you ask questions or seek clarity, do they tell you the truth, or do you notice patterns of half-truths, omissions, or deflection?
Are they Open? Are they willing to engage in meaningful conversations, especially about things that concern you? Or do they avoid, shut down, or become evasive?
Are they Transparent? Do they willingly share important information - especially things you need to know - or do you constantly have to dig for clarity?
I remember my sister once helping a friend plan her wedding. Just two weeks before the wedding, the bride-to-be discovered that her fiancé had a four-year-old child with another woman - something he had not disclosed throughout their dating period. That was a deal breaker. The wedding was canceled, even though significant investments had already been made. I agreed with her decision. As painful and costly as that moment must have been, it would have been far more costly to enter a marriage built on deception. Without honesty and transparency, trust cannot stand.
The “Dating Police” Flags
Think of your observations like encountering a police officer on the road - it should make you slow down and pay attention.
Red flags signal danger. These are non-negotiables. If you are certain you cannot live with what you are seeing, it is wise to break up.
Yellow flags are things you may not like but can manage. These require caution.
Orange flags sit in between. You know something is off, but you are unsure whether it is a deal-breaker. With time and observation, orange must eventually become red or yellow.
Seeking Guidance
Remember the BREAK UP acronym? The “UP” stands for Upper Perspective. When you begin to notice red, yellow, or especially orange flags, don’t navigate them on your own. Invite wise counsel into the process. Speak with a coach, pastor, counselor, mentor, or a trusted friend - someone who genuinely has your best interest at heart and is grounded in truth. In fact, it is not just helpful in moments of confusion; it is wise to have guidance from the very beginning of a relationship, not only when things become complicated.
If you would like support in this area, feel free to complete this form to explore our dating, pre-engagement, or pre-marital coaching from a Christian, biblical perspective.
The Pain of a Break Up
Do not be afraid to break up if you have to. Dating should be done with marriage in mind, but it does not guarantee marriage. From my own experience, I know the pain of breakups. But I also know the value of waiting and making wise decisions. A broken relationship is far better than a divorce. And I say that not just from principle, but from experience. As a therapist, I have witnessed the impact of divorce - especially on children. I have also seen its effects on my friends. It is not easy. It is not light. It is not something to walk into casually.
Yes, a breakup can hurt. But healing will come. And sometimes, walking away is not failure - it is wisdom. Clarity may not remove the difficulty of the decision. But it will help you make the right one. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. God bless you!
Comments