Do Your Opposite-Sex Friendships Have Healthy Boundaries?
- Kutemwa Masafwa
- 7 days ago
- 5 min read
I remember finding myself being too attached to a male friend more than once. It felt like suddenly, they were on my mind more than usual and I had the urge to tell them every detail of my life. When it was mutual, the friendship turned into what many would call a situationship with no labels or commitment. Let’s not even talk about the hurt of finding out they were pursuing other women when it wasn’t mutual! Either way, it ended in unnecessary hurt.
As much as I don’t like to admit it, this process was never sudden. It was more like an oblivious drifting over time. If you think of opposite-sex friendship as a boat floating down a river, it will go in the direction of the current unless you steer it. In other words, not controlling the boat is the same as consciously going the wrong way - towards unhealthy emotional attachments and possible heartbreak. This is because emotional closeness naturally grows through time, consistency, and vulnerability. Sharing deeply, leaning on each other, and spending regular time together can slowly create attachment, even when romance was never the goal.
But how do you ‘steer’ an opposite-sex friendship? By setting practical boundaries. Boundaries can help you honor the friendship while protecting your heart. They can also alert and give you the wisdom to pull back when those lines start to blur. Most of all, boundaries guard your heart by protecting your emotions. Look at this verse:
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.
(Proverbs 4:23-NLT)
At the heart of every relationship is communication. It is through conversation that connection deepens, trust is built, and familiarity grows. Each exchange, no matter how small, adds another layer to how we understand and relate to someone. Over time, communication doesn’t just maintain relationships; it actively fuels emotional closeness, often in ways we don’t immediately notice. That is why, without intention and limits, communication can slowly carry a relationship further than we ever planned.
In his book Single and Satisfied, Alex Sasu often teaches on five considerations for communication in opposite-sex friendships: frequency, duration, content, mode and time, or "FREDCOMOT" for short. Let’s dive deeper into each area:
Frequency - How often?
I am sure you will agree that, in general, the friends you are closest to are those you spend a lot of time with. The more time you spend with someone, the more room there is to share deeper conversations and personal moments. This vulnerability can lead to an unhealthy dependence on the other for emotional support.
While there is no universal frequency of interaction in opposite-sex friendships, it is important for you to personally decide what your limits are. They may also vary depending on the person and the sphere of your life they are a part of. Overall, remember that spending excessive time together may fuel unwanted romantic emotions.
Duration - How long?
Reducing the frequency of your interactions may not have the desired impact if the duration is not kept in check. I have noticed that the longer I talk to someone, the more my walls come down, and I am likely to share what I normally would not.
Setting a time limit for opposite-sex interactions can go a long way in preventing unwanted emotional sharing. This will also help you to keep your communication succinct, as you will have to decide what is worth sharing in the set limited time without overexposing your heart.
Content - What about?
Wouldn’t you agree that there are certain topics that stir up emotions? Sometimes the topics themselves are too intimate, and other times, they are just better kept private. Bringing them up may give the wrong message by communicating a deep level of trust for the other person.
Here are three kinds of conversations that can stir up unwanted emotions:
Sexual information. Having a sexual conversation within a friendship, especially with someone of the opposite sex, introduces something that does not belong in that relationship. This can include discussing sexual experiences, desires, preferences, struggles with temptation, or making sexually suggestive comments. The way I see talking about these things in a friendship is like talking about swimming in the middle of a desert - out of place, unhelpful and potentially confusing to the situation. It may shift the dynamic of the friendship and stir up unwanted desires. It is wise for you to completely avoid talking about it with opposite-sex friends unless absolutely necessary.
Secret details. Sharing information exclusively with someone could lead to them feeling like they have a more special place in your life. Additionally, this could make you feel more closely bonded to them than you want to be. This is a recipe for emotional attachment on both sides. To avoid this, it is important to have clear distinctions of information only meant to be shared with your partner. However, there may be things that the other person may take as being exclusive for different reasons, even when they are not. It is important to intentionally generalize information by stating that you have shared it with other people, for instance.
Heart issues. There is a level of vulnerability that comes with being open about your emotions, struggles, and weaknesses. Sharing these parts of yourself requires closeness and, when done regularly, naturally deepens emotional connection. Allowing someone to see that side of you can lead to attachment—especially when they respond in a positive or affirming way. This is why it is important to be thoughtful about what emotional information may be too intimate to share with an opposite-sex friend.
Mode - How?
There are many ways to interact with someone: in person, through video calls, voice calls, or messages. Generally, the closer you can see and hear the person, the stronger the sense of presence and connection you feel. For example, in-person and video interactions feel more immediate and personal, while voice calls and messages create a lighter sense of closeness.
Because stronger interactions tend to promote deeper emotional connections, it’s wise to be intentional about how often and in what mode you communicate. Choosing the lighter options, like messages or occasional voice calls, can help maintain the friendship without unintentionally creating attachment that feels more like romance.
Time - When?
When you think about it, certain times of day are generally more conducive for conversations that could stir up emotions. At nighttime, for example, there is darkness, quietness and solitude that brings personal barriers down. Most likely, no one is listening to the conversation and you would be more relaxed than during the day.
I think it is a good idea to set a time beyond which to not interact with your opposite-sex friends. This is more of a line to help prevent a situation that could lead to you compromising on your set boundaries.
These five points are not meant to chain you down or to extinguish your friendships. Rather, they are important aspects to have realistic limits in to avoid finding yourself emotionally attached to your opposite-sex friends. I hope that considering them provides a perspective that will guide your interactions to have and maintain healthy boundaries.