Why Testing Sexual Compatibility Before Marriage is a Self-Defeating Idea

Have you ever tried clothes or shoes on before buying them? Or maybe you’ve taken a car on a test drive just to see how it feels? It makes sense since you want to know how well they fit you. Following the same logic, many people believe that sex should be tried before committing to marriage. However, we believe that the idea of testing sexual compatibility before marriage is ultimately self-defeating.

From a Christian perspective, the Bible is very clear about sex being meant to be enjoyed within the confines of marriage. In Genesis, we see that God designed it within the context of the spousal connection of Adam and Eve. Check out this scripture:

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24-NIV) [emphasis ours]

Maybe you’re wondering what things look like from a practical standpoint. Or you may be asking, “Is there anything inherently wrong with testing sex before marriage?” We think it is important to step back and have a full picture of what the implications of this idea are. With that in mind, here are 6 flaws with the idea of pre-marital sexual compatibility testing:

From a Christian perspective, the Bible is very clear about sex being meant to be enjoyed within the confines of marriage.

1. Marriage is not all about sex

While sex is an important component and benefit of marriage, there is much more to a successful union than physical intimacy. If you consider the math, sex amounts to less than 1% of the time a husband and wife in a healthy marriage will spend together over their entire lifetime. As a result, focusing too much on sex before marriage can blind you from focusing on preparing for the more important relational aspects of marriage. This can make it hard for you to know whether the relationship itself is compatible and healthy.

There are many things beyond sex that strengthen a marriage - communication, emotional safety, and healthy conflict resolution. Reflecting on my own marriage and the couples I counsel as a counselor trainee, I (Alex) have come to the conclusion that, marriage is more conversation than 'consummation'. After all, imagine building a life with someone you can’t truly talk to. Deep, consistent communication is what creates lasting connection. That’s why dating couples gain far more by developing strong communication skills than by testing sexual compatibility.

2. Sex is more than a physical activity

Genesis 2:24 speaks of becoming one flesh, which means the union of two beings, extending beyond just the physical. It also reflects a deep emotional and spiritual connection. This means that the implications also extend beyond the physical alone.

In my professional experience, I (Alex) have worked with individuals who have endured various forms of abuse - some physical, others sexual. I’ve observed that sexual abuse often leaves deeper and more lasting wounds. This highlights that sex involves far more than a physical act; it touches the deepest parts of a person. Because of this vulnerability, we believe that sex is best held within the safety, commitment, and trust that marriage uniquely provides.

Marriage is more conversation than consummation

3. Every sexual experience is different

Before marriage, couples often feel a stronger pressure to impress. They tend to present the best version of themselves - putting extra effort into their appearance, scent, and even planning every moment with intentionality. But marriage naturally shifts this dynamic. Real life sets in, rhythms change, and the daily realities of partnership replace the performance mindset.

It’s also important to remember that no two sexual experiences are ever exactly the same. Moods, stress levels, physical and emotional wellbeing, and the overall state of the relationship all influence how a couple connects sexually at any given time. Because of these constantly changing factors, using premarital sexual experiences to predict long-term sexual or marital compatibility is fundamentally misleading.

It’s like trying to diagnose COVID with a malaria test - not only will you fail to get accurate results, but you’ll also set yourself up for unnecessary disappointment.

4. Sex is an inherent skill that gets better with time and practice

Just as eating and walking are natural human abilities, sexual intimacy is also an inherent skill that doesn’t require prior experience to thrive. You don’t need premarital practice to be “good” at sex in marriage. With time, patience, communication, and mutual learning, a couple’s sexual connection grows stronger as they grow together.

And this is exactly why premarital sexual experience is not a prerequisite for a healthy marriage. Despite cultural messages that promote sexual experience as a form of readiness, we believe that virginity is not a weakness but a gift. It allows couples to learn and discover one another without the pressure of comparison or expectations shaped by past experiences.

At the same time, this truth is not meant to shame anyone who has already been sexually active. God’s grace is big enough to cover every part of our past, including our sexual history. If you have fallen in this area, you are not disqualified. You can receive God’s forgiveness, walk in freedom, and make a fresh commitment to pursue sexual purity moving forward. What matters most is the posture of your heart and the direction you choose from today onward.

You don’t need premarital practice to be “good” at sex in marriage

5. It breeds trust and comparison issues 

Many people justify premarital sex because they feel certain they will eventually marry their current partner. But even in that scenario, the decision can have unintended consequences. If the relationship leads to marriage, your spouse may remember the lack of self-control or impatience that made premarital sex possible in the first place. This can later surface as insecurity or suspicion - especially during seasons when intimacy is naturally limited, such as illness, stress, pregnancy, or postpartum recovery. In this way, premarital sex can create cracks in trust that show up long after the wedding day.

On the other hand, if the relationship does not lead to marriage, premarital sex can introduce a different set of challenges. It becomes easy to compare past sexual experiences to what you later encounter in marriage. These comparisons - spoken or unspoken - can damage emotional intimacy, create pressure, and stir unnecessary tension between spouses.

Overall, premarital sex has the potential to complicate the foundation of trust, emotional connection, and long-term security that healthy marriages depend on.

6. The Bible says so

There are times when God’s instructions may challenge our human logic, but for the Christian, God’s Word remains the final authority. In 1 Corinthians 6:18, we are commanded to flee from sexual immorality - a sin Scripture describes as uniquely affecting our own bodies:

 Run away from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body.

Similarly, in 1 Corinthians 7:1–2, when Paul addressed questions about abstaining from sexual relations, he directed those struggling with self-control toward marriage - not casual sexual partnerships. This reinforces the truth that sex was created for the covenant of marriage.

Whether you are single, dating, or engaged, we hope this article offers a thoughtful and biblical perspective on premarital sex - one that supports not just a healthy relationship, but also a strong foundation for a lasting and fulfilling marriage.

~ Alex Yeboah Sasu & Kutemwa Masafwa