Should Christians Date or Marry Someone They Are Not Physically Attracted To?

Recently, a friend asked me a very honest question during a relationship discussion: “If the person is godly, kind, responsible, and marriage-minded… but I’m not physically attracted to them, should I still consider dating or marrying them?”

It’s an important question because what I have found is that  many people have been taught two extreme ideas about attraction. On one side are those who treat physical attraction as everything. If there are no “sparks,” they immediately rule someone out, even when the person possesses exceptional character and spiritual maturity. On the other side are those who almost treat attraction as irrelevant - as though spiritual compatibility alone should be enough to sustain a lifelong marriage.

However, I believe both extremes are problematic. So how should Christians think about physical attraction in dating and marriage? Before answering that question directly, we first need clarity about what dating, marriage, and attraction actually are.

What Is Dating?

I define dating as the season of life where a man and woman pursue an exclusive, marriage-driven romantic relationship. For Christians specifically, I believe the purpose of dating is to intentionally pursue someone you consider a potential spouse, while giving yourselves enough time to make a wise final decision - whether to marry or not. Dating, therefore, must not be recreational. It must be a season for evaluation and discernment.

I define dating as the season of life where a man and woman pursue an exclusive, marriage-driven romantic relationship.

What Is Marriage?

I will define marriage as a God-ordained covenantal union between one man and one woman, established by God and intended to be lifelong, exclusive, and intimate (Genesis 2:18, 23–25). And according to Scripture, marriage serves several purposes, including the following:

• Companionship (Gen 2:18)

• Procreation (Gen 1:27-28)

• Sexual intimacy (Heb 13:4)

• Mutual sanctification (Romans 8:29)

• And ultimately reflecting God’s relationship with His people (Ephesians 5:32).

That last point is especially important. Marriage is not merely about personal happiness or fulfillment. It is meant to display sacrificial love, faithfulness, unity, grace, and commitment. 

What Is Attraction?

One dictionary defines attraction as the internal pull toward another person involving interest, desire, and appreciation. It is important to understand that attraction is not the same thing as covenant commitment - it is a pull, not a promise. Also, it has multiple dimensions. People are often attracted not just physically, but emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, socially, and psychologically. I believe that attraction is not inherently right or wrong, but it is not always trustworthy. While it can be a valuable indicator, it is a poor decision-maker. It should inform our choices, not control them. Proverbs 19:2 reminds us that desire without knowledge is not good. In other words, attraction is real - but it is not always reliable. Our attractions are shaped by many factors including family experiences, media, culture, past wounds, beauty standards, insecurities, among other things.

For example, something considered attractive in one culture may not be viewed the same way in another. This means attraction should not be followed blindly. It should be tested with wisdom by asking whether the person possesses the character, convictions, and qualities needed for a healthy, God-honoring marriage. Attraction matters, but it should not make the final decision as indicated earlier.

The Fall Changed Everything

Genesis 3 reminds us that sin distorted every aspect of human life - including relationships, desires, and attraction itself. After the Fall:

• Our desires became disordered,

• Our expectations became unrealistic,

• And our judgment became imperfect.

This means attraction itself is affected by brokenness. No wonder certain people can be attracted to unhealthy patterns. This is why attraction alone is a dangerous foundation for marriage. At the same time, the Fall also means that no human being perfectly reflects God’s design. Marriage is not the union of two perfect people finally completing each other. It is the covenant union of two imperfect people learning to love each other faithfully.

In many ways, one of the biggest mistakes people make in dating is carrying pre-Fall expectations into a post-Fall world. People want perfect chemistry, perfect spirituality, perfect communication, perfect finances, perfect attraction, and ultimately perfect compatibility. But every relationship involves trade-offs. As much as I wish I didn’t have to say this, that is simply reality.

Attraction is not inherently right or wrong, but it is not always trustworthy.

The Expectation Quadrant

One of the most helpful tools I use in relationship coaching to help clients discern the kind of people to consider pursuing is what I call the Expectation Quadrant. The quadrant has four main categories - positive non-negotiables, negative non-negotiables, positive negotiables and negative negotiables. Now, let me break them down.

Positive Non-Negotiables

These are qualities that must be present for you to seriously consider marriage. These are not preferences - they are foundations. In my opinion, they should involve faith, character, and alignment in calling and values. Without these, long-term instability is very likely.

Negative Non-Negotiables

These are patterns or realities that should disqualify someone regardless of attraction or chemistry. These are what can be called “deal-breakers”. Examples may include: abuse, chronic dishonesty, unrepentant sexual immorality, addiction without accountability, severe irresponsibility, or spiritual incompatibility. One important thing to note here is that these are not flaws you “pray away.” They are often realities you should stay away from.

Positive Negotiables

These are things you would love to have, but can live without. Personally, I think that this is where many physical preferences should belong. Examples include height, specific body type, certain personality styles, specific hobbies, fashion sense or particular aesthetics. These things may matter to you, but I don’t think they should be foundational to the success of a marriage.

Negative Negotiables

These are traits you may not prefer but can adapt to with maturity and grace. Generally speaking they are irritations that can be accommodated. The examples of the positive negotiables can actually apply here as well. 

One challenge I have found is that many people wrongly elevate negotiables into non-negotiables while minimizing truly foundational issues. And that should not be your story!

So… Does Physical Attraction Matter?

Well, yes! I believe it does. While I think physical attraction should not be “worshipped”, it should not be ignored either. Marriage includes sexual intimacy. God designed husbands and wives to enjoy one another physically. Attraction therefore has a legitimate place in marriage. However, I don’t think attraction should function as the primary decision-maker. So instead of asking,  “Are they the most physically attractive person I’ve ever seen?”, I think the better question is: “Is there enough attraction for healthy romantic and sexual desire to grow within a covenant?”

Attraction Can Grow

One mistake many people make is assuming attraction is completely fixed. However, I don’t think that is the case in reality. Attraction actually grows (and wanes too) depending on a few factors. For example, it’s easy for someone to increase their attraction for their partner when emotional connection deepens, respect increases, godly character becomes more visible and overall trust develops. Actually, this happens more often than people realize. At the same time, it is also unwise to enter marriage hoping attraction will magically appear when there is absolutely no desire, interest, or romantic inclination at all.

 While I think physical attraction should not be “worshipped”, it should not be ignored either.

Some Helpful Analogies

Imagine you want to play soccer. While soccer cleats are ideal, sneakers may still work. But wearing dress shoes on the field completely undermines the purpose. Or think about a phone charger. Whereas the original charger may be ideal, a compatible charger still works. But a charger that does not fit the phone at all becomes useless. Similarly, not every ideal preference is essential, but some things genuinely matter for proper functioning.

What Actually Destroys Marriages?

Interestingly, when we look at major causes of divorce, physical attraction rarely tops or even makes the list. Research consistently confirms that marriages are more often destroyed by factors that have nothing to do with physical attraction. Examples include chronic conflict, poor communication, infidelity, financial stress, addictions, abuse, emotional distance, lack of commitment, unrealistic expectations among others.

This is important because many people spend enormous energy screening for physical perfection while neglecting the things that actually sustain marriage long-term. Hopefully that is not your story!

So Should Christians Marry Someone They Are Not Physically Attracted To?

Well, I will argue that it depends on what  you mean by “not attracted”. If you mean absolutely no romantic desire, no physical interest, or no emotional pull whatsoever, then I would advise caution. But if by “not attracted” you mean they are not your ideal type, they don’t meet every preference, attraction exists but is not overwhelming, or attraction is growing slowly, then I do not believe that automatically disqualifies the relationship. In many cases, just like I mentioned earlier, deep admiration, emotional intimacy, spiritual connection, respect, safety, and character can cultivate attraction over time in meaningful ways. And the good news is, these are skills that can be learned and developed. I hope this article helps you have the right expectations and make the right decisions. Let me know your thoughts in the comment section. God bless you!